LIFESTYLE

On not feeling good enough

29th July 2017

So a bit of a different post today – normal service will resume shortly but for now I just wanted to share a couple of my thoughts around something.

As you can probably tell from the title of this post it’s about when you feel like you’re not good enough, which is something I’ve really been struggling with a lot recently. You may have noticed that I’ve been pretty quiet on the ol’ ‘Gram, partly because I’ve grown tired of trying to post so often, but also because I’ve just not felt like I’ve not been good enough to follow. Which is so sad, isn’t it? Has life really got that bad that I’m worried about being liked on a social platform? Apparently so.

It’s quite funny, because I’ve always been someone who’s said that it never matters, but it suddenly does, and quite frankly it’s hit me like a massive wave.

I’ve always been a quiet person, and I often struggle with anxiety around putting myself forward to speak to people, purely because I have this worry that they will just look at me in confusion as to why I’m there and look away again. “Who is this girl? Ew.”

It might be ridiculous to some, but because it’s happening to me, it matters? I feel like that about how anyone feels about anything. Your feelings matter. Regardless though, even thinking about that made up scenario makes my jaw clench in absolute cringe – yuck.
I was due to attend a blogger event a few months ago; my first since God knows when, and an hour or two before, I pulled out. Knowing that I’d have to walk into a room full of people I hadn’t seen in years, worrying about not being good enough. I couldn’t breathe during the lead up, and cried so much my throat actually hurt, which, in hindsight, was silly because it really wasn’t a big deal, but I’m such a people pleaser, it bothered me that I didn’t feel deserving of attending.

I’ve put off any other event since, particularly if I’ve got to be alone, for fear of standing around looking like an absolute lemon.

I have always been like this though, avoiding the cool girls on the field at school, because I always felt like they’d be really confused about why this nerdy girl was trying to sit with them. I avoided any conversation with them at all costs because I just felt like I wasn’t worthy of even being spoken to. (It’s probably worth saying that this is in no way any one else’s fault – it’s something that I struggle with in my head, before anyone thinks people have been rude.)

It’s totally a confidence thing, and I’ve struggled with it for most of my life. I’m a lot better now, but thinking about situations where I’ve felt like this has left me thinking just how SAD it is. And it’s damaging – its made its way into my relationship more times than I can count and Adam often has no idea that I’m dealing with these thoughts, because I push it to the back of my head rather than burdening him with it.

Anyway, do you ever tweet someone, and think “why did I say that?” Or, “shit, are they going to get my humour? They won’t get my humour, they’re going to hate me and never speak to me again.” And then just delete it? I do it FREQUENTLY, worrying that they will think I’m some silly little peasant trying to make conversation haha.

I’m slowly trying to change it, but it’s difficult, trying to get people to understand you. I always imagine myself just saying ‘fuck it’ and messaging someone, just to say ‘I THINK YOU’RE GREAT AND I WANT TO BE FRIENDS’ but there is ALWAYS the worry that that will go down like a lead balloon and I will look weird, or stupid. It makes you feel… lame?

I love the relationships I’ve seen grow in this industry and would love for that to happen, but my God, the thought of trying and failing gives me so much anxiety, because I worry that I’m just not cool enough, or worthy enough to even be their friend, or even just holding a conversation. It sounds so pathetic saying that doesn’t it?

With that being said though, I quite enjoy being solo too – I’m sure everyone does, but when this industry is moving so fast, it’s nice to have someone who has your back, and to share your thoughts on certain subjects. It can get overwhelming, and if I feel like that as a very small blogger, God knows how extremely popular bloggers feel.

I’m constantly trying to push myself out of my comfort zone, but as you can imagine, sometimes it can get a bit too much and you inadvertently push yourself into the shadows, which I think is what’s happened to me.

One thing I’ve learned recently, though, is that you will never get anywhere by remaining stagnant, and whilst it’s nice to have someone who understands what you do as a hobby because they do it too, it’s not the be all and end all. Perhaps it’s just me who feels this way, but it feels nice to finally get these thoughts onto paper.

If you’ve not read Alice’s post about anxiety, then please do. I honestly could not resonate with it more. We spoke about it, and I’m so pleased because it’s so nice knowing that I’m not alone.

I’ve also decided that I’m going to speak to someone to get my thoughts in order – a big step but when you don’t feel like yourself, it’s important to take steps forward in a better direction.

(Apologies this cami is old, but button down cami’s are super popular and the Zara bag isn’t online anymore!)

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