It’s been a while…

and I’ve been wanting to write about this for quite some time but it’s hard to find the words when it’s such a weird feeling?

Most of you, if not all of you, know that I’m a mum. A mum to the most amazing 6 year old named Isla.

And for the most part, I’ve really been struggling to find my footing in this space – ‘the blogosphere’. Yes, I love clothes (seriously, shopping makes me so happy and I tell people this all the time) and of course I love my child too, but I really cannot find the balance on my channels – I feel too fashion focused, then too mum-orientated but it’s what I know… or so I think, sometimes.

 

 

 

Recently I’ve realised something though – I get really stressed about how other mums may perceive me. It’s such a confusing feeling and there are so many of these parenting events that I would like to go to, it’s just… what will they think?

 

My kid isn’t neurotypical – so they’re going to think she’s weird.
My kid is 6 and still in nappies – clearly I don’t try hard enough to get her out of them.
My kid only eats 3 different things – I must not have introduced her to new foods as much as I should have.
My kid doesn’t talk – how on earth do we communicate, etc. etc.

 

I’m worried about their perceptions of how I interact with her and how I parent, because clearly, everyone else is doing a much better job than I am. And it stretches through to my friends too – I’ve realised recently, that I do everything I can to avoid doing things with my friends AND Isla.

 

I’m terrified that they think I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
I’m terrified of something happening that I can’t do anything about.

 

I will join local parenting groups, I’ll join mum Instagram pages that run meet ups, but I’ll sit and watch from afar at the mums who have their shit together and can all completely relate to one another.

 

 

Parenting Imposter Syndrome is what I call it.

And although I’m more than aware that every parent struggles with getting to grips with it all, the fear is so real and I can’t bear the worry of other people’s opinions about me and my child.

And yes, it stretches to ASD too – I’m sure I can find like minded parents who deal with exactly the same things as I do and I STILL will worry that I am doing it all completely wrong; that they will know everything there is to know on how to parent a child with ASD, and me on the other hand? Not a clue.

Is is shame? I don’t believe it is. I believe it’s more of a protective thing. I’m so proud of Isla and how far she’s come. It certainly is something I’m really worried about if we decided to have another child too.

I know this is just a barrage of words… it probably doesn’t make too much sense but it feels good to finally get it out of my head – that constant worry.

I guess there isn’t really an easy solution but to try and work through it, but God knows when I’ll find the courage to actually put that first foot forward, be brave and try and shift this worry.